Thoughts on camp and Creation

As a further note to my previous post, camp wasn't bad. I'm super grateful that I even got the chance to go, to experience something different and meet some awesome people. God did teach me a lot. For one thing, during that time God reminded me not to forsake my first calling--to bring His light to teens, even in our own youth group at church. I may have given up too easily, and just because I might not major in it doesn't mean I have no part to play in youth ministry. And another thing...I don't need to let people tell me who I am. Just because they may meet me and think that they know everything about me doesn't mean I have to conform to that. I am more, and I needed to discover that. I thank God for placing me at Forest Home, even for a week.

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Creation fest at the Gorge. It's supposed to be super hot, and even though I will probably complain I'm really really looking forward to it. I'm especially excited for Reliant K and Hawk Nelson (second and third only to Switchfoot)! And for spending time with friends, and hopefully the chance to reflect on God and redirect my heart more towards Him. I get so focused on my own needs sometimes, and this week has been one of "those times"...I hate it when I do that by the way. It kind of seems like it will take a lot of energy to let go of what I want, but when it comes down to it I really do want to live for God. It might not seem like that sometimes, but I am kind of lame. not to mention human. (which, by the way, should not be admitted by way of excuse, but of acknowledgment.) anyway so yay for friends and music and camping and our amazing God! in less than 12 hours the trip begins!

what did you do with your summer? oh boy...

I wanted this summer to be incredible, to actually do something that was semi- adventurous and would glorify God. Maybe I wanted too much to have something less dull to answer the question "what did you do all summer?" Maybe I was hoping for a good story to tell. So as you may or may not know, I took a job serving meals at a camp (Forest Home) in the San Bernardino mountains of California. It was to last from the time I got done with finals until August 15, but after a week I was back home. I still don't completely understand why I couldn't handle it. All I know is I desperately missed home and was miserable staying. Don't get me wrong, I totally loved the camp and all the people there. It was everything I'd hoped it would be. That's why it doesn't really make sense. My emotions have been crazy all over the place since mid-May, and I don't know why I can't seem to get a hold on them.

So this is what I've done with my time so far instead (besides shopping and spending time on facebook)...
worked at camp for a week
helped put together our family garage sale
painted at church and Josh & Kelly's
prepared for the awesome annual block party at TAC
applied for nearly a dozen jobs
moved into the basement (my own room!!!)
learned to play sudoku
hung out with my family and the youth group
(tomorrow to leave for Long Beach, then Creationfest at the Gorge)

I don't know if that's very much, but it sure feels like I'm headed for another unproductive summer. Well it's also difficult not being able to find a job, which is partly why I feel I'm wasting time--so maybe it's not all under my control. I want to do things for other people too, rather than just passing the days lazily away, but then again I get so self concerned I don't put that into practice or think about doing it all for the Lord. Well not to be such a downer but I'm just trying to put my thoughts out there since they might help others and myself understand why I do what I do. Yet I am still thoroughly confused by my own thoughts and actions.

shadow of a self

Lately I feel like I've lost heart. I honestly don't know what my problem is. I guess I don't know where I'm going in life right now or what to do, so maybe I lack purpose. But that can't be all. I feel like a shadow of the person I really am, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I know all the right answers, but I think it's waiting now for something to click. I don't like feeling sorry for myself and struggling to make it through each day. I want to live every moment for God, being the person He has made me to be. So why can't I just do it? Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself.