shadows now, brighter days to come.

I think it's a little weird sometimes how God chooses to draw us closer to Himself. Recently I heard from a friend who I had not been at peace with for about 8 months, and suddenly I find myself trying to patch up not only a friendship but some of the mistakes I've made as well. I want to desperately, don't get me wrong, but it drudges up many feelings of pain and confusion that I wasn't prepared to face again. I don't think God wants pain for His children, but I think He knows that often it's unavoidable in getting us where He wants us. I also know that He will take joy in reconciliation, because He wouldn't want any of His children to be at odds. For some reason I am having difficulties with facing all of this, feeling sort of drained, empty, and conflicted. But, again, I haven't been this honest with or so actively seeking God in a long time. Sometimes this is all that keeps me going, and yet it is enough. I never see just how far I've wandered from God until I need Him and realize I have to shout just a little harder. He's always always still there, but a real relationship takes two active members. Sociology has taught me that in a relationship it is the person who is less committed to the relationship (even if slightly, it is never equal) who has the most power. I would say that the Lord is definitely more committed and engaged in our lives than vice versa, and while we do have the choice of whether to engage in that relationship and how much of ourselves to give to it, this seems to be sort of a false sense of power. God isn't going to force us into anything, but still He knows what should happen better than any one of us and His power knows no limits as far as getting us there...including bringing us through trials we thought we could never endure.

suffering produces perseverence; perseverence, character; and character, hope

Exactly one year ago marks a time in my life where I was probably the most depressed I've ever been. It's not happy to look back on, but necessary because I am so in awe. I remember crying several times a day, wanting only to sleep as much away as I could because it was worse to be awake. It was an internal torture I had never known before, and had little hope of shaking off. What was a matter of weeks felt like a year, and I didn't know if anyone could understand what I felt. Now I am absolutely stunned to think that God would think me valuable enough to bother with, that a year later I have so much cause to praise Him. I can't believe how vastly different life looks and how much hope He's given me. I didn't know what depression was before, I had no idea. If mine was short-lived, I have only a fraction of understanding for those who suffer so much more, but now it is something I care about and can empathize with, and I think God might use my experience to benefit other people...but even if that's not how He chooses to use it, I will admit it was worthwhile if only to give me even more cause to praise Him. If I think I get God, He does something so out there to show me I don't know the half of it. Usually my response for the duration is "why? what are you doing?", but I get to praise Him for much much longer once the storm has passed.

{my visual interpretation of hope}

hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die...life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly

I do not underestimate the importance of dreaming, so here is a list of at least some of the things I hope for in this life. It's amazing how endless the possibilities seem, staring out at the city lights from my fifth floor dorm room window, still young and (mostly) independent. In a way, I want it always to be this way...the feeling that the whole world is waiting for me to emerge and take hold of it. But I know it can't be. I've finally reached the turning point where it is nearly time to either take action, or settle into a routine that will merely pass away the time as it is frequently done; working, looking for temporary fulfillment, wishing for things but knowing they can never come about. As much as I would like childhood to have continued, I am refusing to pretend things are still the same. I want things to happen in my life. I don't want to go through the motions. This is what I want to do (small and big, of great and little value, practical and frivolous).

matter

go on a trip to build wells in Uganda

graduate college

learn to play guitar well

marry

overcome something great

waste no time...use every minute

get off medication

change someone's life for the better

write a song

become a good runner

live outside the country for a year or so

think of myself last

conquer my intense fear of insects

love recklessly

have a good life story

do something daring

...more to come xD

love ever redeemed

I'm only eighteen. And yet I am exhausted of the sinking feeling of being unloved. Just when I think I've found someone who is prepared to truly love me and take the chance to trust him, he drops me off at the nearest stop with my heart on my sleeve. I am so done with this. I keep giving it up to God, and despite my prayers I somehow mistake the next phony on a horse for my knight in shining armor. I don't like wasting all this perfectly good time pining away for my other half. And yet there are no words (from friends, books, or within) that will persuade a woman from searching for someone to love...it seems to me that this is something that comes from continually searching for Christ above anything else. I don't think there is an immediate solution to the disfunction of it all, but I can only imagine how hopeless my life would feel if I couldn't hope in the Lord. I can't even express how good He is. And truly more than enough for all my tears and mistakes and dreams.