goodness that's hard to grasp

I almost feel the need to apologize for some of the blogs from this summer. I didn't write much, but what I did wasn't so positive. It was a really rough couple months in there, but God worked hard on me. So ultimately, I came out of it with some new perspectives via counseling, a (hopefully) better understanding of who I am, and a basic plan for what to do with my life. Meaning, that I hope to graduate at the end of this year or as soon as possible with a general studies degree focusing on business, theology, and sociology. I still have little to no idea where things are headed after graduation, but I am okay with that. It's pretty obvious that God works all things out for good. when

we don't deserve it in the least. Some times He uses things that seem so small in the big picture, to make us realize just how true this is.

A month and a half before school started up again, my computer started acting weird...and ultimately crashed. I slacked and didn't deal with it until accidentally a week after the warranty ended. So it was deemed not worth repairing. I didn't deserve any slack on this situation. But the very day I found out about the laptop's status God provided a way for someone to give me a used one. It was absolutely incredible and unfathomable! I was so amazed by Him.

Another thing I was really concerned about was finding a job. I'd been trying for a long time with

absolutely no luck at all, in Tacoma and Seattle both. I knew what my best bet on campus would be, and was fine with a job in housekeeping. I applied a little early, but didn't hear back by the time I thought I would. I was thoroughly disappointed and worried, but affirmed in a discussion with my mom that God would definitely provide what He knows I need. Less than five minutes later I received an email that I did indeed get a position, and only a floor below me! I was so in awe, that God would do that for me. He does know how to give good gifts to His children...

It was pretty encouraging to start the year off with those reminders of God's goodness. I can see that He also has plans for other ways to change me in the near future; usually not easy but for which I am very grateful. Sometimes it astonishes me how much time He spends trying to win my whole heart over. Especially considering that in all logic, to a perfect god such a flawed person as me would never be worth it. But to the Lord I am, and that is incomprehensible.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth

Dan Miller brought this up the other day...well not this verse specifically, but it stuck with me. Like when someone is reading a whole page but a single sentence sticks in your head and resonates like a broken record. Anyway he suggested that every time the word 'love' appears in 1 Corinthians 13, to replace it with your name...i.e. Britta is patient, Britta is kind (it's ok to laugh, especially at patient. I already know.) And by the time he got to verse 6 I already knew I had plenty to work on, but when I mentally formed "Britta does not delight in evil..." I stopped. No, of course I don't cheer up when I read the paper and find that someone was raped or stolen from. But I was sad to discover I was still hurting and holding that against someone. As a result, I wanted him to suffer at least a little. It only seemed right that he should, rather than getting everything he wanted and home free after what he did. But we are all full of mistakes. How can I hesitate to forgive when God has so readily forgiven me of more? It bothers me that my heart refuses to let go. Not only because it allows the pain to continue, but also because I know it is far from how God treats us. God can use any trial, but I think it makes it more difficult if I am reluctant to let Him. Without grace I would be nowhere, so I want to extend as much grace as possible to the people He's placed in my life. I want to rejoice with the truth.

Thoughts on camp and Creation

As a further note to my previous post, camp wasn't bad. I'm super grateful that I even got the chance to go, to experience something different and meet some awesome people. God did teach me a lot. For one thing, during that time God reminded me not to forsake my first calling--to bring His light to teens, even in our own youth group at church. I may have given up too easily, and just because I might not major in it doesn't mean I have no part to play in youth ministry. And another thing...I don't need to let people tell me who I am. Just because they may meet me and think that they know everything about me doesn't mean I have to conform to that. I am more, and I needed to discover that. I thank God for placing me at Forest Home, even for a week.

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Creation fest at the Gorge. It's supposed to be super hot, and even though I will probably complain I'm really really looking forward to it. I'm especially excited for Reliant K and Hawk Nelson (second and third only to Switchfoot)! And for spending time with friends, and hopefully the chance to reflect on God and redirect my heart more towards Him. I get so focused on my own needs sometimes, and this week has been one of "those times"...I hate it when I do that by the way. It kind of seems like it will take a lot of energy to let go of what I want, but when it comes down to it I really do want to live for God. It might not seem like that sometimes, but I am kind of lame. not to mention human. (which, by the way, should not be admitted by way of excuse, but of acknowledgment.) anyway so yay for friends and music and camping and our amazing God! in less than 12 hours the trip begins!

what did you do with your summer? oh boy...

I wanted this summer to be incredible, to actually do something that was semi- adventurous and would glorify God. Maybe I wanted too much to have something less dull to answer the question "what did you do all summer?" Maybe I was hoping for a good story to tell. So as you may or may not know, I took a job serving meals at a camp (Forest Home) in the San Bernardino mountains of California. It was to last from the time I got done with finals until August 15, but after a week I was back home. I still don't completely understand why I couldn't handle it. All I know is I desperately missed home and was miserable staying. Don't get me wrong, I totally loved the camp and all the people there. It was everything I'd hoped it would be. That's why it doesn't really make sense. My emotions have been crazy all over the place since mid-May, and I don't know why I can't seem to get a hold on them.

So this is what I've done with my time so far instead (besides shopping and spending time on facebook)...
worked at camp for a week
helped put together our family garage sale
painted at church and Josh & Kelly's
prepared for the awesome annual block party at TAC
applied for nearly a dozen jobs
moved into the basement (my own room!!!)
learned to play sudoku
hung out with my family and the youth group
(tomorrow to leave for Long Beach, then Creationfest at the Gorge)

I don't know if that's very much, but it sure feels like I'm headed for another unproductive summer. Well it's also difficult not being able to find a job, which is partly why I feel I'm wasting time--so maybe it's not all under my control. I want to do things for other people too, rather than just passing the days lazily away, but then again I get so self concerned I don't put that into practice or think about doing it all for the Lord. Well not to be such a downer but I'm just trying to put my thoughts out there since they might help others and myself understand why I do what I do. Yet I am still thoroughly confused by my own thoughts and actions.

shadow of a self

Lately I feel like I've lost heart. I honestly don't know what my problem is. I guess I don't know where I'm going in life right now or what to do, so maybe I lack purpose. But that can't be all. I feel like a shadow of the person I really am, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I know all the right answers, but I think it's waiting now for something to click. I don't like feeling sorry for myself and struggling to make it through each day. I want to live every moment for God, being the person He has made me to be. So why can't I just do it? Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself.

shadows now, brighter days to come.

I think it's a little weird sometimes how God chooses to draw us closer to Himself. Recently I heard from a friend who I had not been at peace with for about 8 months, and suddenly I find myself trying to patch up not only a friendship but some of the mistakes I've made as well. I want to desperately, don't get me wrong, but it drudges up many feelings of pain and confusion that I wasn't prepared to face again. I don't think God wants pain for His children, but I think He knows that often it's unavoidable in getting us where He wants us. I also know that He will take joy in reconciliation, because He wouldn't want any of His children to be at odds. For some reason I am having difficulties with facing all of this, feeling sort of drained, empty, and conflicted. But, again, I haven't been this honest with or so actively seeking God in a long time. Sometimes this is all that keeps me going, and yet it is enough. I never see just how far I've wandered from God until I need Him and realize I have to shout just a little harder. He's always always still there, but a real relationship takes two active members. Sociology has taught me that in a relationship it is the person who is less committed to the relationship (even if slightly, it is never equal) who has the most power. I would say that the Lord is definitely more committed and engaged in our lives than vice versa, and while we do have the choice of whether to engage in that relationship and how much of ourselves to give to it, this seems to be sort of a false sense of power. God isn't going to force us into anything, but still He knows what should happen better than any one of us and His power knows no limits as far as getting us there...including bringing us through trials we thought we could never endure.

suffering produces perseverence; perseverence, character; and character, hope

Exactly one year ago marks a time in my life where I was probably the most depressed I've ever been. It's not happy to look back on, but necessary because I am so in awe. I remember crying several times a day, wanting only to sleep as much away as I could because it was worse to be awake. It was an internal torture I had never known before, and had little hope of shaking off. What was a matter of weeks felt like a year, and I didn't know if anyone could understand what I felt. Now I am absolutely stunned to think that God would think me valuable enough to bother with, that a year later I have so much cause to praise Him. I can't believe how vastly different life looks and how much hope He's given me. I didn't know what depression was before, I had no idea. If mine was short-lived, I have only a fraction of understanding for those who suffer so much more, but now it is something I care about and can empathize with, and I think God might use my experience to benefit other people...but even if that's not how He chooses to use it, I will admit it was worthwhile if only to give me even more cause to praise Him. If I think I get God, He does something so out there to show me I don't know the half of it. Usually my response for the duration is "why? what are you doing?", but I get to praise Him for much much longer once the storm has passed.

{my visual interpretation of hope}

hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die...life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly

I do not underestimate the importance of dreaming, so here is a list of at least some of the things I hope for in this life. It's amazing how endless the possibilities seem, staring out at the city lights from my fifth floor dorm room window, still young and (mostly) independent. In a way, I want it always to be this way...the feeling that the whole world is waiting for me to emerge and take hold of it. But I know it can't be. I've finally reached the turning point where it is nearly time to either take action, or settle into a routine that will merely pass away the time as it is frequently done; working, looking for temporary fulfillment, wishing for things but knowing they can never come about. As much as I would like childhood to have continued, I am refusing to pretend things are still the same. I want things to happen in my life. I don't want to go through the motions. This is what I want to do (small and big, of great and little value, practical and frivolous).

matter

go on a trip to build wells in Uganda

graduate college

learn to play guitar well

marry

overcome something great

waste no time...use every minute

get off medication

change someone's life for the better

write a song

become a good runner

live outside the country for a year or so

think of myself last

conquer my intense fear of insects

love recklessly

have a good life story

do something daring

...more to come xD

love ever redeemed

I'm only eighteen. And yet I am exhausted of the sinking feeling of being unloved. Just when I think I've found someone who is prepared to truly love me and take the chance to trust him, he drops me off at the nearest stop with my heart on my sleeve. I am so done with this. I keep giving it up to God, and despite my prayers I somehow mistake the next phony on a horse for my knight in shining armor. I don't like wasting all this perfectly good time pining away for my other half. And yet there are no words (from friends, books, or within) that will persuade a woman from searching for someone to love...it seems to me that this is something that comes from continually searching for Christ above anything else. I don't think there is an immediate solution to the disfunction of it all, but I can only imagine how hopeless my life would feel if I couldn't hope in the Lord. I can't even express how good He is. And truly more than enough for all my tears and mistakes and dreams.

to be confident in uncertainty

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire if you want me to

It may not be the way
I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

This is a song that I attempted *cough* to learn on guitar today. It's hard not to focus on all the uncertainty that is life. I don't know where God wants me this summer or next year, but He is teaching me to trust Him to put me there and have some patience. I'm generally somewhat obsessed with planning out every detail, so it really frightens me that within one year I will be getting ready to graduate, God willing. But fortunately for me, He has yet to give up on me. I don't think I ever realized how much I lacked patience until life began requiring more of it. I am thankful, though; it's given me cause to learn to trust God so much more than I have probably ever had to before. It was easy to say I had faith in God when most of my life was already figured out for me...now that it takes effort and requires ownership, my relationship with Christ is more important to me than ever. It's not easy. Yet it's also true that He never makes me go alone.

God's time...to landscape or give life?

This morning I went to Rainier Beach on a Latreia service project (no, I don't know what that word is supposed to mean) with a group of people from SPU. To my surprise, Rainier Beach is not just a beach, but more of a neighborhood. We ended up doing landscaping type work around a park and public pathway. Saar's marketplace was kind enough to play music loudly in their parking lot a few feet away--the same little hypnotic tune, over and over. I tried to have fun, but it was cold and really hard work so it's all good because I was doing it to praise God anyway. And while I knew that the work wasn't wasted and would make a lot of people happy, I found myself wishing I could have been doing something with my time to really help people. It's great for asthetic appeal, but there are people dying in Uganda every 15 seconds just because they can't get enough water! And every time I notice our faucet dripping or someone dumping out their water bottle, my heart sinks.

Last Sunday at Bethany Community Church I learned about Spilling Hope, an organization that sponsers wells in Uganda, from awareness to fundraising to the actual construction. And Uganda isn't the only place the wells are desperately needed (check out Living Water). I was so overwhelmed after seeing their display, the pictures, finally glimpsing what these people have to face every day. A boy with a grin carrying potentially 40 pounds of water on his head. Children gathering water from a mud puddle you couldn't see anything through. And a mother's dilemma...to give her children water that will make them sick, or for them to go thirsty? how could anyone even make a choice like that?! I want nothing more than to be in Uganda with them right this second, and I mean that. I have never wanted to live overseas, but in the last month alone God has changed my heart more than I could ever have expected. And I actually find it hard to be patiently waiting for the chance to do something more. But in the meantime, I know that everything I have is God's and nothing I do for Him is wasted, even if it appears to be of little consequence.